Torres revival?

Fitness instructor Fernando

Unlike some of his other EPL contemporaries who are helping themselves to hat-tricks while on tour in far away “exotic” locations, Fernando’s draught is apparently not over. But I think we have identified the cause (probably linked to an obsession developed while under hypnosis in the Benitez boot camp): someone should put an end to his moonlighting on Wii Fit and get him to practice more on the ball.

That might also help Chelsea avoid turning into a bit of an Arsenal and signing on truckloads of untested promising youts who will have to be offloaded to teams like Stoke, Bolton and Newcastle the following season.